sushmitha is little better now. she has a bit of swallowing

Sushmitha is my world

I wanted to cry in private , i wanted to share nothing with the world. But after a while I thought over it and may be it will help some one to know.

I hope people read my blog and understand how it feels to be a mother like me. how it feels to look at your daughter lying in the bed unable to move , unable to tell you where it hurts. Days pass and she lies in bed with no changes. This is a living hell. No matter where you go you hear your baby calling you mommy please help me. yet you cant help her. There is nothing you can do.

The science has come up with so many new innovations and yet Doctors are helpless when they look at my baby. I can see they want to help me yet I see helpless ness in their eyes. They tell me they are not God, only God could spring a miracle. But God has done nothing so far except give me pain , then more pain and then agonizing pain. but why God? Why my baby???

She was the most loving person people met , they tell me that. when she was well she was full of life. She gave me something to live for and she made me realize life was not perfect and yet I loved her more as she was different. I gave her everything life could give her and she was a brave child who thrived on the love we gave her.

People used to point and they used to talk. I did not care. I had you baby I had you. let the world laugh at you but I will make you strong I had vowed. at times I was harsh on you so you could do better and I know you still loved me.

Why are you silent today with no words and no laughter to fill my day. Dont you know how l long to hear you say amma. Dont you know I long to hear your fuss that soemthing was not right. I long for you to throw a fit over why your favorite breakfast was not made, and Grandma would hurry to fix it for you.

I miss the morning sunshine you used to bring with your laughter and your smile. I miss everything we did together. I don't know why God chose you to be his big test. I dont even understand his test my child. I refuse to give up and refuse to accept.
People tell me to accept this as your fate and move on. you have to live. But I know I cannot move on without you. My soul is attached to yours and how could you separate both, no one knows that. But you do.

I am too emotional to discuss why it happened and how it happened. I hope someday you will read this and understand our 11 year journey to this day. Every moment i spend is precious to me no matter you cant say things or may be you dont even know all this is happening around you.

This is my blog for you my child , where else can I talk