LIFE WTHOUT SUSHMITHA

It is very difficult to live wthout Sushmitha. Sending her away was not easy. My whole day revolved round her. She was taken well care of. But still her pain we cannot take. I can't bring her back. I will live in her memories. I think she felt she cannot bear it anymore. I was busy my child. But to look after you we needed money and your Papa found it difficult to manage alone my child.everything happened so suddenly. I did everything I can. She is painfree now. Eleven years in bedridden state is not easy.. All the people give condolences. But I know they soon forget. Sometimes she smiled and that smile gave me the strength to go forward. 
       You were too beautifull for earth.
I realise nothing will be the same ever again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY ANGEL IN HEAVEN. YOU WERE BORN ONLY TO BE MY DAUGHTER. YOU ARE SOMEONE I CANT LIVE WITHOUT

Happy Birthday to" My world My CHUCHI".My Angel Daughter in Heaven. Wish I had some more time with yo u to hold your hand and see your face. God saw you getting tired and Cure was not to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered "COME TO ME".Although I loved you dearly I Could not make you stay. I watched helplessly as your golden heart stopped beating.
Dear God, I place my beautiful daughter in your strong hands. Please keep her safe and pain-free.
Love is a bond that death cannot part. Memories you left behind will live in my heart forever. The Grief of losing you will last as long as love does. Sending you was not easy my child. I want you to be my daughter in all JANMAS. You were born only to be MY DAUGHTER. You are someone I can't live without. I am thankful for the memories you left behind. These Memories brighten road of my grief. I Thank all the people who were with me specially Dr Pushpa Kini and my sister Anitha. They have been my pillar of strength. Love You and Lots of hugs.............. ...............MY Child.

MEMORIES DURING ANITHAS VISIT

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CHANDHI GONDI

TALKING WITH APACCHI

MY ANGEL DAUGHTER LEFT ME

SUSHMITHA WAS SLEEPING ONLY FOR 3 CONTINUOUS DAYS .  SHE MAKES SOME KIND OD SOUND WHEN SHE IS IN DIFFICULTY. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG.ON MAY 25TH SHE HAD SOME BREATHING DIFFICULTY AT 10.30 NIGHT. IT BECAME WORSE. SUDDENLY SHE WAS OK AT 11.40 . I WENT TO WASH ROOM . WE CHANGED
SIDES. THEN SUDDENLY SHE TOOK  A DEEP BREATH. THEN SHE BROUGHT HER TONGUE OUT AND ROLLED HER EYEBALLS UP. THAT WAS LAST.YOU ARE MY WORLD BABY.THEN I CALLED MY HUSBAND AND WE CONTACTED HER NURSE WHO PUTS RICETUBE, SHE CAME AND TOLD US EVERYTHING WAS OVER.
          MAY BE SHE COULD SUFFER NO LONGER. HER STRENGHTH WAS JUST WEAK. SHE HAD DIFFICULTY IN SLEEPING.
       SENDING HER AWAY WAS THE MOST WORST PART, LOT OF PEOPLE CAME IN. SOME PEOPLE WERE AFRAID BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT SHE DIED BECAUSE OF CORONA. I CAN'T BRING YOU BACK MY GIRL. BUT YOU ARE MY SOUL.
       YOU ARE PAINFREE NOW. SHE WAS PUT TO FIRE IN OUR ANCESTRAL PROPERTY EVENTHOUGH MANY PEOPLE WERE AGAINST IT.(THINKING SHE DIED OF CORONA).
      SHE HAS BIRTHDAY  NEXT MONTH. IF SHE WAS NORMAL SHE WOULD BE VERY BEAUTIFULL.   

FACING REALITY AND SITUATIONS THAT GO AGAINST

I thought I will die for my husband and live for him only.  But when you are genuine and sometimes he criticises you publicly you feel hurt. I love to go out and he restricts . According to him I cannot go to Manipal or Mangalore. My mom raised me well and we lived the way we wanted. At home the nurses and staff are angry for no reason. There is no happy atmosphere. Sushmitha can feel the negative energy. I have lot of house keeping staff at home. Because Sushmitha has feeding till 12 AM. So they take shifts and two people every day once in three days equals to six people. Sometimes she is awake at night so I need help again and there also I need shifts. It is not easy to look after bedridden
             I feel broken down when my husband lets me down. Mentally it breaks you. Relationship will not survive nor me. I cannot change him for sure. I have to let it go.But that is not easy. He is angry and remains angry. IF THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO THEN ACCEPT THINGS AS THEY ARE AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT. I MISS YOU AMMA.I NEED YOUR STRENGTH.

MEMORIES

MY DAUGHTER IN LAW AND MYSELF

    MY  DAD

MY HUSBAND WITH SHOP STAFF

MEMORIES

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                                                   Sushmitha with her grandmother 

                                            Sushmitha's Father Ganapathi Pai

corona lockdown world wide

The situation in India is very scaring. people are locked down in their own homes.  I am worried for Sushmitha . What if there is any emergency? hope not.

sweet memories

Ammaa... You have left a void in my heart which no body can ever fill

Now I understand your importance, what you have been trying to say. You Lived only for us. There are no words to say how much I Miss You. You have been always there for us.

Amma Please Come Back

 
Amma Suffered a lot. She had water in her lungs. She found it very difficult to breath. May be the infection spread to her whole body. She was not able to take food. She found it difficult to pass motion and pass urine. For constipation she was given enema and she had kidney damage owing to long term usage of taking lasiks. Food pipe was inserted as she was unable to take food. She became very weak. Then finally she had Kidney failure and became very restless. At the end she left us.

    AMMA... Only Person who would fight with the whole world for her children.

    AMMA, Please come back in your Grandson's Wife's Womb.

    AMMA.. I will follow your Guidelines. You taught us to be self reliant. Never to expect anything from anybody. To help people in their difficulties. To be honest in money Dealings. I will always support Kavi, my younger sister like you used to be. I have taken your one Saree, one torn purse and your phonebook as your memory. But you also left us money by selling Malpe Property equally divided with three of us. You loved each of us equally. You Supported me by staying with me because you knew i needed you and depended you for everything. You never taught us how to live without you AMMA. I will also love my sister Anitha who i believe is my soulmate. You loved my son and i felt you loved him more than anybody. I remember you doing Kukkumudi (carrying a child on the back) and catching butterflies for his sake.You wood cook his favorites in the middle of the night. You lived only for us AMMA.

HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT YOU AMMA?!

Please Come Back AMMA.!!

AMMA HAVING WATER IN HER LUNGS AND SUSHMITHA HAS SPOTTING FOR OVER A MONTH NOW

Sushmitha had spotting (little bleeding) for over a month now. I informed the matter with Dr Pushpa Kini. She told me to get her checked by Gynocologist and get the reports . I got her checked by Dr Sujatha and she told me everything looks Ok and gave me the reports. I took her to Manipal Hospital next week with the reports. Doctor told me since endometrical thickness is not mentioned clearly better to get checked by gynocologist again. Actually we went early in the morning at 9 AM. By the time we got blood and urine reports it was  12 AM and 12.30AM they would close. She was in a trolley and it was very difficult for her. Morover I had high fever but I felt helpless by the time they opened again at 3.30 PM there was many people waiting . They gave her preference but she passes urine and they needed full bladder for scan. We brought coconut water from outside and gave her but the bladder was not full. It was time to close . Sushmitha was also highly irritated for some reason and not able to sleep that day. The previous day also she was awake. Lastly Dr Pushpa Kini told me to give her some medicines priscribed by gynocologist. Some medicines just don't suit her  or else it is the change of well water she started having loose motions. Now after 4, 5 days she is better today.

I CANNOT SAVE SUSHMITHA'S EYE BUT I CAN HELP AMRITHA TO GET CURED FROM TUBERCULOSIS. I AM HELPLESS AGAIN

I have quite a few workers working in my house . Because taking care of Sushmitha is full time job. On nights she has to fed by rice tube which has to go slowly(nearly an hour). so there are shifts. I take care of them as I would do for my daughter. I know leaving home and staying in other peoples house is not easy. I buy them new clothes every month (almost) buy them Gold take home sweets eveyday.Most of all if somebody is ill I attend immediately. I realise that A new girl had cough problem for nearly 2 months (in between she was given medicines) but her cough was a little differrent(whooping cough). So cough that long doctor advised me to get checked in detail. By check up and X-ray she was found to have TB. Doctor told the infection spreads by air. So she needs isolation. She cannot sleep with other children . Doctor advised me to send her home or else she should be kept seperate. Doctor also told me she may not take treatment correctly if she was sent home. So I decided to keep her with me. But also taking precautions she doesn't spread the infection.
I asked other helpers they need not get afraid. I cannot cure Sushmitha but I can cure Amritha. But I have to be very carefull so that she doesn't spread the infection. It travels by air . So she was given seperate room. I asked her I want to cure her but I cannot risk other poeople. So almost everyday I took her to hospital because everyday i have to take her to take the tablets because they have to be very sure she was taking treatmnet. After one month slowly she gets cured I will inform her parents.She was not eating any vegetables so I told her to eat eggs daily. Now it is almost a month.She was given mask also. I feel she is better. Treatment is for six months.
            Sushmitha has cataract in another eye also. When I went for my eye check-up doctor (eye) told me You people are nicely takin taking care of Sushmitha. But DR Gurudhhth Kamath(eye surgeon who operated sushmitha) and doctor himself both feel operation is not advisable because we don't know how much she is benefitted. also her other eye is operated so unnecesary exposing her to anasthesia. Even Doctor Pushpa kini had told me the same. and her opinion is most valuable not that others opinion does not count. she knows what is best for her. But what about my promise to Sushmitha I will not allow anything happen to her . I am helpless

Human values should be always given priority

Human values are the most important in any person.We should always care for the disabled or aged people. 
As humans we all have our own values beliefs and attitudes. priority should be given to their needs.
    My friend Malini has a disabled and mentally retarded son. He is fully retarded and cannot perform any activities without anybody's help. Suddenly Government made a rule that above  25 children cannot be given any grant. So they should not be admitted and those who are already admitted should quit. On humanitarian grounds I feel it is completly wrong. Mentally retarded children are aged only in thier bodies but not thier mind. Thier intellectual level remain of a child.
     There is a festival called Karthik punav in Karkala. My friend Malini  was taking her son (disabled) to the festival. But a lady police stopped thier car saying they cannot proceed further.even when she explained to her his condition she would not listen. But then she saw other cars going to that festivals .They were rich and hence allowed.
   Society should change. They should give some consideration to the aged and disabled.
   That does not mean everything is right. A family had two mentally retarded children. Elder one used to some simple tasks while the younger was very retarded. Elder one wet to fetch water from well and when the vessel with water fell to the well he went to take the vessel and acidently fell in to the well. the younger one had no idea that his brother is dead. When we went to their house he told us anna(brother) has fallen in to the well and taken to hospital. He was drinking coffe and was getting ready to go to school he said . He had no idea his brother was dead. After nearly sis months this fellow was married to a poor girl from village. certainly it is wrong for that poor girl.Again after nearly seven eight month I met them in hospital with girl going for pregnancy check up. she was 5 months pregnant. They were certainly taking advantage of her being poor.
  My driver ws diagnised with severe eye problem. He needed surgery and needed 50000 for the surgery.All the people told me since the driver is new just take sombody else. I told them I will help him because eye is the most impotant organ for any person . Since he cannot afford I will help him. He was operated and eye problem got corrected. So money is important but certainly we should help others as much as we can.

I WANT TO KEEP SUSHMITHA AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE

All of Sushmitha"s life what I have done is keep on trying what is best for her . Then at one stage you realise in the process of trying only I have troubled her . She has not gained much. These physiotherapy is important so that she is not stiff. Addition to that standing is necessary for her blood circulation.
       My husband brought home today a person who he claimed to cure Sushmitha by giving Gomuthra(cow Urine). I told that person just because he says I am not ready. I don't want to experiment on her anymore. So that person told I can continue with my medicines. IT is very good. So I told him if it so good then you experiment on my husband because he will listen to whatever anybody says. And I will not experiment on her because she cannot say she doesn't want it .Once he tried some homepathy long back and she had diarrhea. I told him I want to keep her as much comfortable as possible.I firmly said no. I feel I have taken correct decision.Please God help to keep her comfortable all her life. I know she likes to drink coffee or tea. I know she likes if I hold her hand . I know she feels uncomfortable if she urinates and at night sometimes it takes time to change.

EVERY DAY WE ARE ONE DAY CLOSER TO GRAVE

Now I have crossed fifty. I may have 10 or 15 more years. Every day we are one day closer to grave. I want to die without telling goodbye to anybody. Because that is how my daughter suddenly diappeared from my life. I am seeing my mother suffering everyday .She is going through so much pain. Everyday there is a new problem.Sushmitha is not suffering any less. Now there is another addition to the patients list. My brother in law is also diagnised to have liver cirhosis. He had liver binding done.Here in business also there is much downhill. Money is not coming in at all. there is busines only if we give credit. those who pay do lot of discount . for otheres we have to go behind them topay. some debts are not paid at all.I am fighting everywhere for my husband because he never asks money anywhere. Money is not everything but it is important also . Today we can look after our staff nicely only because of money.I can look after my daughter nicely. but i cannot bring her back to health. These ae the fundamentals of life.

Jagadhodharaka Husband

My husband always is first to shoulder any problem of anybody. He has no priorities towards his family. A very rich person comes from Bangalore and uses our vehicle our driver wherever he goes. All the relatives come from Bombay and they just use our vehicle and not even once any person has put petrol. Any land dispute he s there to help. so totally he is not in shop. so there is financial crisis. Most of the sales are credit based. Some credit bills get paid. But most of the time some pay after doing lot of discount and some do not pay at all.  One person who has taken goods from shop has been divorced so husband says wife should pay and wife says husband should pay. A well known rich person who owns a temple is sick with parkinsons and he can barely talk or walk so his son is hanldling the project he says he will pay but has not paid so far. one persons owes us nearly 4 lakhs but he is bankrupt. A persons who owes nearly 3 lakhs died suddenly and wife tells she will pay after selling property. one person has a bar and owes us money says he will pay after selling property.                 And mu husband is so superstistious even after being so educated. A few days back some sadhus had come to our house saying they heard about my daughter and have come to cure my daughter and take our problems with them . they cut one lemon sqeezed the juice of the lemon and the told I will take all your problems with me. and he put the lemon in his bag. then he demanded 32000 rupees . My husband told me to bring the amount. i told him the are some dongi sanyasis (false sanyasis) . We will just hand them over to police. but my husband will not listen. I asked my sister in laws so for help. but nobody helped. So quietly I handed over the money to husband .

EAR HOLE STICHED

Mom went to hospital got herself checked . Everything was okay . so she came home. I had a appointment with Dr Anand kini a pastic surgeon . He had a major surgery. So we had to wait for 2 hours . Sometimes it is a matter of life and death. So I can understand. We have to value human life. Everything else is secondary. I got my ear hole stiched.

Mother hospitalised again

There seems to be no end to moms problem. She had radiation therapy. Then she had water in lungs. Again hospitalised. After getting water removed from her lungs she came home. She came home stayed home for two days .Suddenly today she noticed blood stains when she visited wash room. by after noon after bath again there were blood stains. We wasted no time. Immediately Kavi contacted doctor and he told to come immediately. Now she is in hospital. every time she goes to hospital I always think  will it be the last time I see her? she has to suffer so much. She is a very brave lady.She doesn't cry. How can I live without you mummy? I need you very much.

My world begins and ends with you sushmitha

Sushmitha has cataract in her eyes. Nobody knows how much she can see or how much she can perceive. But as a mother I cannot work like that. If she can see a bit or if she is benefitted a little also that makes a differe.
      I have a picture in mind of little Sushmitha . I cannot bear the the thought that she cannot see. I  will do whatever it takes for her to see. She has cataract in both her eyes. Mom does not seem ok after the radiation therapy. I want the world to stop.My world begins and ends with you Sushmitha.